Introduction: Journaling
Rejection can leave you feeling empty inside. Whether you were dumped, rejected for a job, passed up for a promotion, or denied something you wanted, you’re left with more questions than answers. It can lower your self confidence and make it hard to think rationally. You find yourself thinking what went wrong or what could I have done better.
In these instances, journaling can help. There’s no need to be a skilled or experienced author. All that is needed is a bit of time, paper on which to write, and some introspection to ask yourself difficult questions.
Journaling after a personal setback like a rejection should start with separating the facts from your assumptions.
Write down the situation as clearly as you can in order to ground yourself and make sense of what has occurred. For instance,
“I applied to the position, went to two interviews, and got an e-mail saying they hired somebody else”
is preferable to
“I failed, once again, because I am not talented enough.”
The second statement is an opinion. It is a conclusion. The first statement, however, is a set of facts.
Asking yourself what happened is a good starting point for getting clarity and perspective. Other questions to consider are:
What did I learn?
What have I assumed?
Or
What am I missing?
In other words, what has occurred, what information do you have, what are your assumptions, and what might you not know?
It may be tempting to embellish or qualify your statements, but try not to. If you are going to journal, you need to accept accountability for your actions, so be honest with yourself and avoid minimizing the setback or blaming external factors.
How to Use Journaling to Gain Clarity After a Difficult Rejection?
1. Give Your Emotions a Place to Go
One of the best things about journaling is that it provides an outlet for your feelings.
You may feel disappointed, angry, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, confused, or even relieved. You may feel several emotions at once.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling these things, write them down.
You could write something as simple as,
“I feel disappointed because…”
“I am angry because…”
“What hurts the most about this rejection is..”
“What I wish had happened is…”
This allows you to express your emotions, instead of being frustrated that you’re feeling them.
You do not have to write in a way that makes you look good. You do not have to put a positive spin on everything. Your journal is your safe place to be completely and utterly honest.
Sometimes it’s good to just write “I am really disappointed, and I don’t know what to do” instead of trying to convince yourself (and me) that “everything happens for a reason”.
2. Separate Your Worth From the Outcome
A devastating or humiliating rejection can cause you to feel as if the whole world knows who you are and what you did.
Journaling can help you to avoid catastrophic thinking.
Make two columns in your journal, and label them “What happened” and “What I am telling my self it means”.
Write facts under the first column.
Write down what you are thinking under the second.
For example,
What happened What I am telling my self it means
“I didn’t get the job”
“I can never get a good job”
Now evaluate what you told yourself based on what happened.
Ask yourself if one really does mean the other.
If you got rejected for one job then it doesn’t mean you are unable to get another job, it just means you did not get this one job.
3. Ask Yourself What You Can Control
Rejection often creates a feeling of helplessness. You cannot change someone else’s decision, but you can decide how you respond to it.
Use your journal to divide the situation into two categories:
Within my control
- How I prepare for future opportunities
- How I communicate
- What skills I develop
- How I respond to feedback
- Which opportunities I pursue next
- How much time I spend thinking about the rejection
Outside my control
- Another person’s decision
- The number of applicants
- An organization’s internal priorities
- Someone else’s preferences
- Timing
- Circumstances you could not have predicted
This exercise can shift your attention from frustration to action.
You do not need to control everything to make progress. You only need to identify the next part of the situation that you can influence.
4. Examine the Story You Are Telling Yourself
After rejection, the mind can spiral into a dark realm of thoughts and ideas surrounding the rejections.
It may tell you that you are always failing,
that you will never get another chance
that everyone else is better than you,
or
that you knew it all along.
These thoughts can feel so true in that moment, but journaling can help to deconstruct these ideas by analyzing the facts behind them.
Ask yourself these questions,
is this really true, or is it a fear?
Would I say this to my friend or a loved one?
What are the reasons or evidence that support this idea or statement?
What evidence goes against it?
Is there another way to view the situation?
The goal is not to turn everything negative into positive, but rather to write balanced statements that can lead to positive change.
Instead of writing “I’m bad at interviews” try writing “My interview wasn’t going well, I need to see what areas I can improve for my next one.”
This way you’re leaving room for growth.
Conclusion: Journaling
A harsh rejection can make your world feel small. You can become so fixated on a single outcome, a single choice, a single judgment, that you fail to see the multiple paths that lie before you. Journaling can help process and move past rejections.
The article suggests asking yourself questions to gain distance and perspective on a hurtful experience, identify what is within your control, and learn from the situation.
By writing down your thoughts, you can separate the truths from the assumptions and judgments. In doing so, you can recognize your options, and what you can change, to move on from the rejection.
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